when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
