where am i from again
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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