dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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