the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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