One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
This house was built for laser tag.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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