why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
