i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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