I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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