I just cut my nipple shaving
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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