I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
