my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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