did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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