# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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