my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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