Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
