what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
