There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
