just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
