who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
