I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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