I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
