there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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