Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize