That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
