Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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