If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My life is pants optional.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
