Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You are a genius and a whore.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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