He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
