eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
