Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
