I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
