If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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