I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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