And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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