this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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