i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
