I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
