I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
