The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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