Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
