i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
