I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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