my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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