Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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