I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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