i was born a porn star she said
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
