see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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