Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
