Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
