I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
