Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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