Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
