when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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