party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
