my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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