i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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