What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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