so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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