she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
this is an emotional support booty call
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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