Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
